onsdag 30. januar 2013

wisdom of the day

Daily I receive words of wisdom in my inbox. One of the recently ones stood out and it goes like this:
Ponder this universal truth: Without Presence, we are usually unaware of the negative results of our unconscious behavior. Becoming conscious entails becoming conscious of everything—the painful as well the pleasant, the dark as well as the light. (Understanding the Enneagram, 331)
When I am working with my presence, this is often one of the obstacles that I need to challenge. I am realizing that what is holding me back from being present all the time (among other things of course) is that being present also involves taking in all the negative aspects.

I used to be terrified of death. I spent the first 25 years of my life to deny its existence. So a year ago, when I started this journey I am on, the whole accepting death thing was extremely hard for me, to a point where I thought that maybe it was better to just stay where I was, pretty unaware, for the rest of my life. But I guess this is the thing with becoming aware. Once you know, you cannot forget. This implied that I no longer could deny it, and I think it took me about six months until I was able to accept death as a reality. Accepting that was probably the biggest jump in the right direction.

Now, being present involves other negative aspects showing up. And I still find myself taking the most comfortable way out, repressing it by focusing on activities where I no longer am here. But what surprises me is that whenever I do this now, I can immediately recognize the side effects which includes frustration, anger and feeling uncomfortable. This is pretty ironic as these might be the reactions I am trying to avoid by disappearing into unawareness.

Life can not always consist of the positive things. Running off into peaceful places with no conflicts, is not a long term solution. At least not for me.


have you moved on or is it all repressed?

I struggle with this. Have I moved on or am I only repressing it all?
As I mentioned here I am a master in repressing my feelings. Earlier, I often found myself very angry and/or frustrated, without actually having a obvious reason for it. I read a lot about how our mind tends to work, and suddenly I was able to connect these negative reactions to certain situations or feelings.

The connections were so obvious that I am almost embarrassed. Also, the situations causing this repression were situations that naturally would (and should) affect me, so nothing wrong with having these emotions. The situations affecting me could be all from very trivial things to a more profound problem.

After this discovery, I am constantly aware of this. I recognize my reactions and I can almost immediately connect them to the source, and it reduces my anger and/or frustration.

This is really healthy and good progress for me.

But.. when do you know when you have moved on from a problem or situation instead of actually repressing it? I fear that I am still going back, exploring the negative feelings, just because I'm scared that I am repressing. Am I making sense? What I try to say is that sometimes I go back to the negative feelings when it is actually all unnecessary. I have moved on, I shouldn't go back. But I still do. Either consciously or unconsciously.

When is it healthy to go back and work more on the feelings? When is it time to just move on?

Maybe I just need time. Maybe I need to work even more on being aware of how my brain is working. I have had a tendency to focus on negative things, and I think it is often hard for me to let go. Letting go of certain feelings and situations, even though negative, often means letting go of the person behind that. Someone who you might have loved for a very long time.


all the small things

We all hear from time to time, that the journey is life. It is not only the next party, the next date or the next vacation that counts. Don't get me wrong, I think having those things to look forward to is a great thing, but from my own experience I have seen how those future events can take up almost all of the space in my presence.

Whenever moving from A to B, let's say to work, I will put on music and always daydream about these events. But doing that, I am missing out on almost everything else going on around me; the people, the buildings, how the light reflects in the windows.

It hit me that I was missing out on so many beautiful aspects of life, either by taking them for granted or simply not being aware of their existence. So I am trying to change this.
It is not always easy, I have days when all I want is to listen to music and disappear into my daydreams, and I think that is ok. At least for now. This aspect of my life has been so strong for such a long time, so it will take time.

But I want to be able to just live in all moments. And maybe these daydreams will continue to be a part of my life, but I want them to be a smaller part. I want to be able to better enjoy my journey. Also, one issue with these daydreams, is the content of them. I have written here about how I create another reality in my mind. I can use these daydreams to imagining how my future planned (or unplanned) events will be, even adding very unlikely scenarios. And then, of course, I get disappointed as I created the possible situations and relationships in my mind.

So I have several reasons for wanting to reduce the amount of daydreaming, including changing its content. I want to be more present. And realistic.

Remember the small things in between.


yoga in the morning and the night

It is freezing cold where I live at this time of year. Still, I try to do some yoga in the morning and in the evening. It is such a refreshing way to stretch my body, either to prepare it for a new day or to prepare it for sleep.

My purpose of this new routine is to be able to feel more close to my body and my surroundings during the day, and yoga puts me in this position. As I am still a newbie, it's hard to stay on this track all day and I tend to disappear into my mind and imagination, and time is just passing really fast, without me being able to take in what happens.

I read an interesting discussion yesterday about how one can never be anything else than present and that it is no point in ever trying to work on it. The argument went like this: someone asked how to when walking, walk and when eating, eat and the answers that came up were many, but the ones I noticed said that you could never do anything else but walk when walking so that you will always be present.

I would say that I disagree about this. I know how I can just escape into places in my mind without being aware of what I am actually doing, feeling or thinking. It's like I am on autopilot following my habits, some good and some not so healthy. Everytime I am able to shut off this autopilot and actually be more present and aware, I discover things that I could not have been discovering earlier.

Also, as I walk through the city streets, on my way to work, with a sunrise in the horizon, I can honestly admit: in the first 25 years of my life I never really knew how to appreciate it, if I even knew it was an option. I took it all for granted and I couldn't see the beauty in life.

Therefore, I think that one can work on one's presence. Also, I am using a daily yoga routine to help me on my way. It will take time and yoga will not be the only solution. But I love that it is all in progress.



Getting rid of old habits is really hard.

When I say habits I think of how my thoughts wander off by habit only. The same with my feelings. Why am I thinking or feeling like this, I often ask myself. I tend to create peaceful places in my mind, imagining things as I want them to be, until I actually think they are like that.

This often puts me in a situation where I get very disappointed. But it is not real disappointment in the sense that I just created it all in my mind. What actually disappoints me is that I continue to do this to myself.

Working towards become more present in life, mind and feelings will help solve this issue that I am struggling to overcome.


body presence

Everyday I try to be more aware of my body,
as the first step in becoming more aware in life.

Everytime I take a deep breath, I try to pay attention to my toes, how they feel when I move them, I give attention to my whole body as one and see if I feel any tensions or pain.

I tend to forget from time to time, and I find myself in a very unaware state of mind, feeling disconnected from myself, my surroundings and our world. I am working on this, looking forward to the next steps in this transformation. This blog inspires me a lot, giving good tips on steps to become more aware.



"You will feel more open to the world as you become an active participant", said Dan Garner.

Very well said.

I tend to seek peace and no conflict in my life and everyday I challenge this tendency. I am on the right path, but it does take time. I guess patience is the key word.
I want to come to this state so that I can be more present in my life. Everyday I watch people not being present (including myself) and I wish (so much) that awareness was more common.

When I get closer, I will spread the word. Most likely by action, not words.


despite nothing

How can you be the best ? How can you be your best ?

Which one is the most important?